… is everything.
13 hours and 16 minutes after Andrew left for San Francisco for the last time this year, 35 minutes after Milo finally fell asleep, 1 hour after I let our lovely dog Proudie out (this one is key), and 2 1/2 minutes after I FINALLY got Oliver to fall asleep in my arms after jogging around the dark house with him swaddled like a maniac baby in a straight jacket for a half-hour,
Proudie jumped up onto my bed and immediately peed about a half gallon onto our blankets, sheets, and part of a pillowcase.
What do I do, you ask?
Curse at the heavens? No. Smack the dog while screaming at her, Oliver still in one arm? No. Cry? No. I freeze. My jaw literally dropped and I just sat there, Oliver in my arms, room partially dark, both of us ready to settle in for the night, enormous puddle of dog pee on the bed inches away from me.
Yeah, I’m a “freeze-er.” You know, one of those people who during a “situation” just stands there looking dumb with her mouth wide open, frozen to the spot until further notice. And lucky enough, I married a “do-er.” Andrew is the quickest act-er I have ever seen, which, when paired with my frozenness must look hilarious.
In the first house Andrew and I bought together way back when we were living in Philadelphia, we decided to remodel the bathroom by ourselves. This entailed ripping out and installing a bathtub in a space no bigger than a closet. To make a long story short, we busted the water line to the toilet when we wacked the bathtub into it, and heard a WATERFALL gushing down into our ceiling. I froze. By the time I came out of my dumbass coma, Andrew had already sprinted down two flights of stairs, found the shut-off valve, shut the water off, and made it back up to the bathroom.
Yep. If Andrew had been here, he would have grabbed Proudie mid-pee and somehow gotten her into the bathtub before two drops came out of her. But not me! No!!! I watched totally frozen as she soaked the entire bed.
Sometimes I am utterly useless. Yep, this should have happened to a do-er.
And now you know why I could never be an ER doc.