After a good long break from blogging (by far the longest I’ve taken in years), I’ve decided to continue creating and sharing through this space. I admit that I wavered significantly and daily, feeling torn between a desire for complete and total anonymity and privacy, to a strong desire to create — to share my thoughts and feelings through words, through photography, through the ups and downs of parenthood and life. Ultimately, the decision was an emotional one that came to me one lazy afternoon as a cool breeze flowed through our open living room windows while I teared up over past posts. They were posts from a couple of years ago that revealed the beauty and growth of my boys, the joy I found in growing our own food and feeding our friends and their children in addition to our own. They were the posts that documented the sweet and funny things my children say and think, things so fleeting and otherwise ordinary that they had completely left my memory until I re-read them. They were meaningful beyond measure to me, and I realized I am not yet ready to stop collecting them.
I know this way of documenting will come to an end someday, but I don’t want to regret not doing this for a little longer. I still enjoy this, I still find so much value in it.
One of the reasons for my long break is hard to discuss, but necessary for me to express if I am to move on and represent myself accurately and wholly on this blog. It is a tricky and sensitive thing, to blog about my life. On more than a few occasions, people I know in my real life have become offended or taken issue with things I’ve posted. I’ve had one friend (with whom I’ve finally made amends) tell me flat out that this blog had ruined our friendship, and another who had taken certain posts to be messages directed toward her parenting (I assured her, and now you, that they were not, and never will be), and yet another expressed how hard it was to watch me form new friendships from afar and see the proof online. I have struggled with sharing this piece of the puzzle over the years because if the people I have offended or hurt are still reading, I do not want to hurt them or make them uncomfortable. But the air needs to be cleared, the truth be told. These details make blogging harder than they appear.
Blogging may look like one thing on your end, especially if you do not know me or interact with me in real life, but on my end, it looks like this: I’m sometimes left to pick up the pieces and smooth over drama that I’ve never intended to cause. I want to reiterate that what I share here is about me, about my family, about what I believe in, and has no underlying ill intentions serving to make you feel worse about yourself, your family, or what you believe in. There are many ways to live well, many good things in which to believe, and I strongly feel that we mothers and fathers should trust our intuition about what’s right for our families, regardless of what others may or may not be doing.
But the extra drama and misunderstandings beg the question; is it worth it?
In conjunction with that, and on the flip side, I have found so many mothers (and Earth mothers) from whom I draw inspiration and energy. They are people I have never met in real life, but exude beauty and purpose and love through their online presence; their thoughts, photography, and beliefs have rocked me to my core and have helped me solidify my own. That is my goal, too. I want to reach you, I want to inspire you. I want you to see the beauty in everyday things, even when the going gets rough.
As I tentatively start blogging again, these questions recirculate, constantly shifting my feelings and attitudes about having an online presence at all. But for now, I think the good outweighs the bad, the worthiness trumps the risk. When I remember why I have been doing this for so many years, the answer becomes clear. I love this. I am excited to be back, to be overflowing with ideas again.
Thank you for all of your kind, encouraging comments, emails, and phone calls. Thank you for being patient and understanding while I figured this whole thing out. Though I decided to completely break away for that time, not responding to comments, I come back overwhelmed by the love you’ve shown me and excited to reconnect.
I’m back. We’re back*. With love, not judgement.
*Thank you a million times over to Andrew, who worked so hard to update and redesign this space. I am so proud of this man, and so lucky to have him!