This vacation reminded me of you. It could have been the same beach where we took our last trip as a family. And though it has been close to twenty years since that vacation, I remember it all like it was yesterday. Don’t be sad, because I am not.
When my heart fills up with joy, that’s when I feel you. If there are tears, it is because you are with me always and that makes me happy.
That trip, you woke me up one morning, a wide grin spread across your face. I don’t know if the sun was up, but if it was, it had just started to spread its light across the water and the rest of the sky was barely illuminated. You had brought me some tiny sea creatures that you had captured in your coffee mug and the sound of them swimming around in there made a tinny clink, clink, clink. I heard the sound before I was fully awake, and marveled at the childlike joy on your face when I opened my eyes. It had been a while since I had seen you feeling well enough to muster this kind of energy. You lead me out onto the beach before anyone else was awake, tiptoeing past a sleeping mama and brother and sister. It was just us two.
If I had known you would be paralyzed from the tumor growing inside of you in only three months, and completely gone from this earth in four months, I would have savored each moment a little longer. But I was just twelve. So, Dad, please know that I did the best I could. I knew that moment was special and I thank you for that.
Here is the man I married. You didn’t get to meet him, but trust me, you would have loved him… and probably stayed up late arguing with him in a loud, dramatic tone about organized religion and politics and social responsibility. Come to think of it, you two would have agreed on all of that. He’s like you in a lot of ways. Like, he does stuff like this just to scare the bejeezes out of me:
And thanks to you, Dad, I knew a good thing when I saw it and didn’t let him get away. He’s really fantastic and tender-hearted and he takes really good care of me and your grandsons.
And speaking of grandsons, this one got your temper:
Well, and this one did too (he will probably throw a plate against the wall at some point in his life, and I will tell him that you once did that… but that you were the greatest man I knew):
And this one actually looks a lot like you when you were a baby, and maybe he’s like you in other ways too:
… I guess we’ll have to wait and see.
Dear Dad,
This is my life. I miss you. But I am happy.
He knows…..
Love, Mom
This is so beautiful. So well written. And gorgeous photos. Your dad would be proud.
Your family is the cutest!
This was so moving, Lauren. Thank you so much for sharing it – such a great reminder to savor the moments we have with people we love.
Don’t know what to say, but like, like, like…
Oh so moving and lovely. Thank you for sharing it with us.
love you!
Incredibly moving. Tears in my eyes as I type. I have no words. I have no words.
What a beautiful tribute to your dad. I didn’t realize you lost him when you were so young. This is such a great reminder to be present and grateful for the time we have with our loved ones.
This is beautiful. I love you.
I feel like I am just repeating the obvious…. Beautiful!
Lauren-
As soon as the page popped up w/photo & Dear Dad title…
Your mom is right, he knows. He’s with you always and speaks to you in gestures through the boys; a smile, a pensive look, the curiosity you remember…
I see him in your photographs. He is always with you.
-Hugs
Oh, you are all so awesome! Angie, you just made me tear up (in a good way)! Thank you!
Oh this post just broke my heart. I lost my Dad to lung cancer a year ago, so your words resonate deeply. I wish you could have had your Dad longer, that he could have met your beautiful boys. I didn’t know him and I’ve only just met you, but I think he would be proud. Very proud.
I miss him too, Lauren. He is so very proud of you and your beautiful family and I am, too. I love you.
Beautiful, beautiful post, Lauren. Tears in my eyes.
Teary.. this is so, so beautiful.
So, this made me cry. But it was beautiful, and your dad sounds like he was awesome, and I hope Emil grows up to have a son or a grandson with the same perfect little face.
So so sweet and wonderfully said – I feel so privileged to have read it.
xo
cortnie
Lauren- Your blog forces me to do so many things out of the norm, including 1) read blogs 2) be touched by blogs 3) admit to reading said blogs and 4)comment on aforementioned blogs. It’s rare that a person’s writing of everyday observations can be so moving, entertaining, and endearing, yet you seem to do it effortlessly. My childhood friend just lost her father recently and it reminded me to cherish every moment with family and friends. You are truly blessed with a beautiful and amazing family, and your dad lives on in each of you.