It took all the courage in my entire being to write this post, and an ounce more to hit publish. Butterflies in my stomach, my face felt hot. I kept thinking about my readers. Not the people who know me in real life, but those who I have worked hard to establish a relationship with online, mainly through blogging. Will they judge me? Will they believe me?
Last week, I was falsely accused of child abuse.
Here is what happened.
I woke up well-rested, thanks to several days of recuperation after hernia-repair surgery. Determined to do something kind for Andrew, who had been working extra hard at childcare and household chores while I was recovering, I set out to the grocery store down the street for donuts and coffee. I brought the boys with me with the promise of a sweet treat, despite bitter cold and wind and frost on the van’s windshield. I felt good. I felt capable again, albeit a bit sore.
It was early, near 8am, so we took our time in the nearly-deserted grocery store, picking out donuts: sprinkles for Oliver, chocolate for Milo, and two apple fritters for Andrew, me, and Emil to split. We paid, then hand-in-hand, a daisy chain of little people, made our way back to the van. I put Emil in first, then opened the door for Milo and Oliver. Milo climbed into the way back and immediately buckled himself in, as usual. Oliver climbed in, then stopped. He turned to me, and in an interesting turn of events (after a week of doing so much without his mama, and from encouragement from his papa, he had been so independent), he asked me to lift him into his carseat. Usually, he just climbs in, and then I buckle his straps. But today, he was craving some extra attention from his mama.
“Oliver, I can’t lift you, buddy. Remember? Mama has a boo-boo on her belly and can’t pick you up because it hurts my tummy.” I recognized his need for extra love, so I spoke to him gently. Oliver dug in his heels.
We stood there, my three-year-old and me. It was so cold. Back and forth for about a full minute. I stayed firm, repeated my request. “Oliver, please hop in, it’s time to go.”
“I’m COLD! CLOSE THE DOOR!!!! LIFT ME IN!!!!” he screamed.
I went around to the driver’s side of the car and turned on the car to warm the inside while I waited (and hoped) for Oliver to get into his seat. When I walked back around to Oliver, he was crying and shouting and kicking. “PUT ME IN!!! I DON’T WANT THE DOOR OPEN! LIFT ME IN!”
I raised my voice. “Oliver, please get into your carseat now. I cannot lift you.” More screaming and crying.
Clearly, this was not working. The counting to 1… 2… 3. No dice. Finally, I gave in. I climbed into the van (Oliver’s seat is in the middle row), lifted him up underneath his armpits, and plopped him into his seat, setting him down hard and with a huff. He started screaming louder (why? I have no idea. He is three). I buckled him in, shut the door, and climbed into the driver’s seat. Then I drove home. Along the way, Oliver stopped crying and said sheepishly, “Sorry Mama for not gettin’ in my seat.” And just like that, it was over. We brought Andrew his donut and I mentioned that Oliver and I had had quite the standoff. It was a fairly unremarkable incident, far from the worst we’ve ever had.
Fast forward to 5:00pm. I was in the middle of dinner preparations. The boys (and dog) were running circles and NPR was blaring when I heard a knock at the door. I put down my knife and pushed it back from the edge of the counter, remembering the baby’s reach. As I approached the door, I could see through the window a police officer’s uniform. Great. I thought. Someone has broken into our car again. My thoughts briefly went to Andrew having an accident, but he had walked to work that day. I opened the door and saw a social worker. Oh no! Maybe one of the neighborhood kids has gone missing! I remember thinking about the school kids half a block away and feeling worried for them.
But they were there for me.
The social worker stepped in with three (!) police officers and asked if I had been in the grocery store parking lot with my kids that morning. That someone had anonymously called the police reporting a woman for slapping her two kids in the face while she loaded them into the car. He/she had followed me out of the lot to get my license plate number and then made the call. Someone had accused me of child abuse.
I remember saying something to the effect of “Oh my God! Are you serious? Who would say such a thing! Why would anyone say that about me?” I invited them into the living room, where all three boys had gathered to steal glances at the big uniformed men in our house. I tried to stay calm and collected as I explained what had really happened, and assured them that not only had I not slapped anyone in my life, but that in 5-and-a-half years of parenting I had never even spanked my children. Not even once! They interviewed Milo, who relayed to them an impressively detailed account of the morning’s events. Then they took a look at Oliver, inspecting his cheeks for marks. I began to cry. And shake like a leaf.
The social worker spoke in hushed tones to the three officers, and as I stood to the side, tears streaming down my cheeks, I picked up on words “… unsubstantiated… obviously mistaken… I see no abuse here…” before she dismissed them. She turned to me and asked me to sit and chat for a while. Her tone was apologetic, but I was completely in shock. I remember leading her into our dining room and sitting down at the table, offering her a drink of water in a raspy voice. I couldn’t stop crying.
The social worker told me that there would be no charges and no record, that the witness was obviously mistaken, and that these things happen. NO! I screamed inside of my head, “These things do not happen to ME!” I tried to catch my breath. I kept shaking my head no. Saying that I couldn’t believe it, that I would never lay a finger on my kids and cannot imagine how my interaction with Oliver had been so grossly misread. When she asked me about the ways we discipline our kids, I told her that we used 1… 2… 3, we used time-outs, or they lost privileges. What kind of privileges? She asked. I told her about the loss of a video or bedtime story and I laughed between tears as I thought of the way we raise our boys– we don’t allow violence in our home and if they hit, it is an automatic time-out– we don’t even allow toy guns in our home and we teach our boys that bodies are not for hurting! I told her about the irony– that I was a social worker for heavens sake!
And then, to add insult to injury, she asked me for a character reference. Someone who “knows what kind of parent you are.” I thought of neighbors, friends, our community, our family. What would they think of me? I gave her my mom’s phone number and sobbed. After trying to put my mind at ease, the social worker left.
I began crying hysterically. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. My heart ached. My thoughts swam. I called my mom in hysterics, trying to make sense of the assault on my very being. When Andrew came home, he found me in the kitchen, sobbing, with my hand over my mouth, trying to get it together enough to finish making dinner and feed the boys. I relayed the events that had occurred merely minutes before in complete disbelief. Shortly thereafter, a detective came by to investigate. We sat on the couch while the boys ate dinner and I recounted once again the incident in the parking lot. I felt exhausted.
That night Andrew and I talked for hours. Andrew was quickly able to move past it and even make jokes about the ridiculousness of it all. But I was left feeling steamrolled and bewildered. My self-esteem, most recently built largely on what kind of mother I am, had taken a major hit.
I lay awake in bed, emotionally wrecked, until the wee hours of the morning. I couldn’t stop thinking about the person who had called in. Who? Why? Was it a retaliation against something? What had this person actually seen? How long did he/she witness my interaction with Oliver before making up his/her mind about what was going on?
And the worst of it came from my assumptions about people in general. I believe that people are good. That in general, people are looking out for each other and mean no harm. That this person was not evil or out to get me. This person thought he or she was helping in some way. Which means that there is someone out there who thinks I was actually hurting my kids. He or she saw me as an abuser. This thought just kills me.
I know that I am a good mom. I know that I didn’t do anything wrong. Yes, I could have refrained from yelling at my kid in public. I could have stood my ground by closing the van door and sitting in the front seat until Oliver was finished tantruming, waiting him out until he was ready to listen and follow my instructions so I could strap him into his seat without a big show. But the fact is, I’m not perfect. Someone out there heard my raised voice, saw Oliver screaming and crying, and connected some dots that just weren’t there. I know this in my head, but my heart just feels assaulted by this accusation.
This incident raises so many important questions. Are we too hard/judgmental on parents (particularly moms) these days? What would I have done if I had seen this situation unfolding? I’d like to think that I would have made eye contact with the mom, smiled knowingly (and sympathetically), or maybe even asked her if she needed a hand. I would like to think that I would have stopped. To be sure. Because the emotional turmoil (not to mention a huge waste of city resources to send out five public safety officials to investigate) has wreaked havoc on me. A part of me wonders what the universe is trying to tell me by this whole experience, to be wrongly accused of something horrible. I wracked my brain thinking of all the cases of abuse I reported in my years of school social work. Had I made a mistake too? Was this social work karma biting me in the rear-end? Had I unknowingly wreaked this kind of havoc on some innocent mama years ago? Maybe. And if so, I am so very, very sorry.
And, as a former social worker, I saw the system in action in a very different light. How many of these anonymous tips uncovers an actual case of abuse? Is sending five uniformed workers in two separate trips to someone’s house for this type of report the most effective way to use our community’s resources?
If anything good is to come of this, it is to be awakened. I am humbled by this experience. To be on the other side of this is a learning experience I will never need to relearn. I am not untouchable. I am not a perfect parent. I can do better and be more understanding of other parents. I can be more patient with my own children.
To be better.
Oh my goodness. You are super brave to post this. I’m tearing up at the thought of this happening to me, because I am the same. We don’t spank, we don’t hit, we don’t allow toy guns, but I can lose patience and raise my voice. Who doesn’t as a mother to toddlers? This could have happened to ANY mother, but it does beg the question WHY would someone do something like report an incident that did not happen? Obviously not another mother of toddlers, who would have reacted with sympathy and understanding! People can be so critical and judgemental when they look from the outside in. Hugs to you. And thank you for sharing your story.
Ruthie, thank you. I keep going over it in my mind, thinking how could this person have seen something so vastly different from what really happened? I just can’t figure it out either. Such a shock.
Lauren, I have tears in my eyes as I read this. I can’t even imagine how you feel as a person and as a mother. You and Andrew are such role models for me and hopefully I will have that much patience when I am a mother. I truly think you are a great example of a mother. I think it speaks to your good heart that you are taking this experience and finding a way “to be better”. I am sorry this happened to you.
Oh Lauren, that is terrible! You are an awesome parent; the person who called the cops probably isn’t a parent if he or she misread the situation that badly. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I agree with Ruthie that you are brave to post this and I hope the responses you get help you realize what a great job you’re doing with your kids. Parenting is so hard. Your comment about most of your self-esteem coming from that really rings true. Stay-at-home parents get most of our self-esteem from a job that provides little to no positive feedback!
A friend of mine has a 9-year-old daughter with Aspergers. You would not believe the looks and comments she gets when her daughter loses it in public. Then one day, a woman just walked up to her and said, “Can I give you a hug?” And that was exactly what my friend needed. Good, empathetic people are out there, sorry you ran into a jerky one.
You are so brave and strong Lauren. I don’t even have words to express how this post made me feel as a mother and your friend. I was literally weeping inside while reading this. You are also so wise…to treat this horrible event and circumstance as a lesson. That speaks so highly of your character and your mothering. Sending you love! I do miss you!!!
Oh my god, Lauren. I don’t even know what to write.. First, and I feel like most importantly, your talents as a mother are so obvious. You clearly give your all to your kids and do it in a caring and tender way. It’s so hard but you can’t let this freak situation affect how you view yourself as a mother out in the world or even think it sheds some light on some past social worker transgression. It was clearly just a huge mistake. Some people just LIKE to call the cops, LIKE to report things. I don’t know you in person but I know without a doubt that you didn’t touch your kids or get yourself into any situation that would make it appear that you had done so. It honestly sounds like someone saw Oliver upset and peppered their story with new “facts” to make it something the police/CPS would pursue.
Craig works in a grocery store and recently saw a woman with two young children have the cops called on her. He wasn’t exactly sure of the situation but it was clear that hands down this woman was not abusive towards her children. This poor woman had to sit in a back office under guard of the store manager and a police officer until her husband came from the other side of town to get her children because she had to actually be taken in for questioning. It just happens. I think sometimes we feel this collective sense of responsibility towards children and that just translates to something really awful in certain people.
You are a fantastic mother. I’m sure it will take a while to shake this- I know it would for me, but remember your children are amazing and they wouldn’t be that way without you being the excellent mother and person of the world that you are.
xo
Thanks for being so brave and honest. This took so much courage. I can’t imagine the pain mixed with righteous indignation. Being a mom is so hard and there is already so much guilt out there. I sure hope you are recovering from this experience.
Lauren, As your mother, and hearing your voice over the phone after your ordeal, was absolutely heartbreaking. To have this unfair and gross accusation toward you brought on feelings within me which I haven’t experienced in a long time. A mother would lay down her life for her children, and you are that mother. You have always been ‘the protector’ and a ‘little mother’ to your little brother, from the time you were very, very young. It is just your nature to take up for the vulnerable souls. That is why you became a social worker. Your achievements were recognized during your college years by your professors, and I, as your mother hold you in high regard as a woman, a mother, a wife, a teacher. Everyone is very fortunate to have you in their lives. You give so much of yourself, and expect nothing in return, and that is REAL giving. These incredible women who are following your blog and commenting will help you gather back your strength and help you heal from this emotional strike. Know that you are loved unconditionally, and know that it is REAL. Bless you, Lauren. Love, Mom
Just for the record, you’ve slapped me in the face before.
But my face is quite slappable. Your kids’ faces, not so much.
Thank you! Everyone, you bring tears to my eyes! (Except you, Dave. And college shenanigans don’t count!)
Oh, Lauren. I can’t even imagine… What a horrible thing to have gone through! I think in the abstract, when it comes to suspected child abuse, it’s easy for us to say that it’s better to say something rather than nothing — but this just shows you what a profound impact a false accusation can have, even when it’s dropped. And what on earth that person thinks he/she could have seen, I have no idea… This really confirms for me the necessity of reaching out, offering help, getting involved, rather than passing snap judgment from a distance.
I hope you won’t let the experience shake your own confidence as a mother! The patience, love, and gentleness you show your little guys is clear even through your blog; we all have room to improve, but your family obviously has such a great foundation already. Your sweet boys are lucky to have such a caring mom. Be kind to yourself today!
Lauren, you are an amazing mom. The most incredulous thing about all of this is that there are actually really terribly parents out there that this social worker and police officers should be spending their time on. I guess I can’t blame them for following up on this call because you really never know, but I wouldn’t lose an ounce of sleep over it if I were you. In this situation, or any, you and Andrew are the only ones that can rightfully judge yourselves as parents, and Milo, Oliver and Emil are wonderful testaments to the tremendous job that you’ve done so far. As parents, we will all make mistakes and strive to be better every day, for ourselves, and for our children. But you should know that there are many people that look to you as a role model and guide as a parent (I was so impressed and inspired by your patience with Oliver as he tried to button his PJ’s in the video that you posted the other day). You have been a mama way longer than I have, but the one thing that I’ve learned so far is that people are always judging and I try my hardest not to judge others. To be falsely accused of something so horrible goes way beyond someone else passing judgment on you. It is wrong, and unsettling and just down right evil. But I hope you find peace in knowing in your own heart what a wonderful mother you are and how many others you inspire!
The reason I started reading your blog was because you inspire me as a mom! You are brave, kind and you will keep inspiring me with your bravery! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this with us.
This infuriates me to no end. Apparently I now consider you to be part of my internet family, and I feel a need to teach a certain mean-spirited, spiteful, jealous idiot a lesson.
I know and agree that we need to watch over children everywhere, whether they’re ours or not. But shouldn’t we also watch over mothers everywhere, since they are so vital and important to the children? Rather than immediate judgement and punishment, can’t we stretch out our hand to help? (And by ‘we’ I mean a certain jackass who couldn’t wait to get on the phone with the police.)
There is no such thing as a perfect mother. All there is, is doing one’s best, which YOU do every single day. Despite this scary situation, try hard not to second guess yourself or your amazing mothering skills. You are a lovely, lovely momma.
wow. just wow.
thank you for sharing this.
In reading this post, I saw the complete other side. Of course it was a mistake that this person reported you, and when someone questions your character it’s infuriating. Especially when you are so against spanking, guns, violence, etc. You just want to meet this person that made the call and have them observe you for a day so they can see what kind of parent you really are.
Now look at the other side. Isn’t it amazing that when someone does call and suspect abuse, a social worker, police officers and a detective all come out? Your call was in error and someone just misinterpreted the entire situation, but think of how often someone gathers the courage to make a call and they DO find abuse. Those kids are saved from terrible and unjust situations. Sexual abuse, physical abuse and mental abuse and those helpless children can’t do anything about it. But that one call brings the system into action and uses our community resources and saves lives. If people call to report abuse and even if 9/10 times they are wrong, isn’t it worth it if they help that 1 child that really is being abused?
Hugs, Lauren! What an awful experience! And what’s scary to me is that any good parent could find themselves in this same situation, including myself. It also makes you wonder and worry who’s watching you when you go out in public with your kids. I hope you find some peace and resolve about this situation soon. I know it would bother me in exactly the same way.
You are an amazing mother, and brave to write this post.
Do not let this incident shake your confidence or spirit! You are kind, patient, creative, nurturing, thoughtful, and loving…your boys are incredibly lucky to have you as their mama. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Sending lots of love your way friend.
I’m so incredibly sorry you had to go through this. (I’m an adoption social worker).
What’s hard for me to understand is that all those resources were sent to YOUR home, after ONE report, by someone who saw you at a distance in a parking lot. Currently, I’m working with a foster family who has a little girl who had multiple skull fractures, every limb broken, and multiple reports made against her mother, and no dss social workers, cops, or detectives gave a damn until the child was almost dead. It baffles me that YOU would be swarmed upon by the “officials,” and yet other cases, reported multiple times, go unchecked. What you went through was really abnormal. It usually takes multiple reports to get anyone to pay attention to a truly abused child :(.
I hope that what you went through can be resolved in your soul. I know you must have been so terribly scared and shaken. You are such a good mom, and nothing can change that!
.
Becca- I know, I was so surprised too. From an anonymous caller, the reaction seemed a little extreme to me. I have no previous complaints against me, so it was bizarre. Thank you for your kind words.
What an awful ordeal. You must know, without question, that you are an amazing and very calm and patient mother. All mothers have those moments when they aren’t at their finest, but this doesn’t even sound like that. I can see myself doing this even on a good day. So first and foremost don’t let this incident shake your self esteem as a mother. That’s hard earned and well deserved.
Regardless, it’s really scary when you get questioned in an official way, especially when your kids are involved. I’d be completely freaked out. Who knows why this person reported you, sometimes weird stuff just happens and I truly wouldn’t think too much about it being a message for you somehow.
I’m so sorry that this happened, particularly when you’re recovering from surgery and vulnerable. Thank you for sharing the story!
Nope. This incident is not about a do-gooder standing up for the community’s moral foundation. Quite the opposite. The person at the grocery store is a coward whose own internal anger allows them to thoughtlessly initiate a cascade of problems on a complete stranger.
They lack even the teensy ounce of courage required to walk over and look another person in the eye. This individual is likely a complete drain on society in a hundred irritating ways, and the fact that they chose to enhance their story exposes their true character. In fact, as a taxpayer I demand a social services followup at the caller’s house!
Such behavior doesn’t preserve our quality of life at all. It unravels it.
It’s sometimes hard to do, but the old adage stands firm: If you got a problem with me, say it to my face.
Lauren – so sorry this happened. What an unfortunate misunderstanding! I only read your blog, but I feel like you’re one of the most amazing parents I’ve ever come across. Be strong! Know that you’re awesome.
Oh Lauren, I wish I could hug you!! I too have tears welling up in my eyes over this situation. I mean, YOU? What in the world?? I am tearing up as I think of you in this situation and imagining myself in it as well. I have literally had almost identical car seat stand-offs in the past and I’m sure I was NOT as patient as you were! I am in true shock over how this could have even happened and I am truly sorry you were put through it but I really hope you can remind yourself through this truly surreal experience that you are a much loved and inspiring good person and a truly natural nurturing loving mama!!!
xoxoxoox
cortnie
Anna- you raise a very good point. I am all for catching child abusers and saving innocent children, of course. Andrew and I spent a long time talking about that, and as a former social worker, of course that side of it came to mind immediately. But I do wonder why so many policemen showed up over the course of the evening. I think one social worker and one police officer would have been sufficient to investigate an anonymous report of a first-time suspected slapping-offender, don’t you?
And Ben, I whole-heartedly agree with “If you have a problem with me, say it to my face” in this case. I would have loved it if this person had just approached me (after all, I’m not that scary) to see what was really happening. So much is misunderstood from across a parking lot, I’ll bet.
HOLY. SHIT.
So sorry this happened to you- of all people!
I really don’t even have words.
This is absolutely nuts. That they sent so many people to investigate you. I am all for being cautious regarding these things, but the number of people on this case seems excessive. And like Becca said, there are too many cases of real abuse happening where the system is broken and seems to protect the crappy parents instead of the kids.
I’m sorry you went through that. It’s awful having anyone question your love for your children, and your sanity and safety with them when you are so obviously a great parent.
WTF?
You are the model of a loving mother. And loving, warm person in general.
Sending a virtual hug.
xoxo
So sorry to hear that you — of ALL people — had to go through this! How traumatizing. But what great perspective you have! And such irony here. You are brave and a wonderful mother.
Oh Lauren, I’m so very sorry this happened to you. I too wish I could give you a hug. You are very brave to write of it, and this writing just makes you seem like an even better mother (if that’s even possible). I can’t imagine how traumatizing it must have been to have these people show up at your home, in trying to keep it together in front of your little ones. Like a bad dream. The whole scene makes my chest all tight. The show of force seems so excessive. Having that many strangers, uniformed officers at that, could really frighten the kids too. Of course I understand that in the social worker’s mind if something had happened maybe that would be the lesser of two evils, but it seems so unnecessary. What did the kids think of it all, these policemen (?) and their dear, sweet mom holding back tears? I really hope that you and the commentators in the know are right, that this was not the normal way these things are handled and again I’m sorry it happened to you.
I too wondered as I read what this person could have seen, how they could have misinterpreted the situation so grossly? Whether they actually thought they saw something from afar that was troubling to them and whether they embellished the details to make sure the cops got interested? Were they were malicious, or genuinely concerned?
I have to say that I have previously witnessed a few situations where I wondered if there was anything I could do when a parent was (verbally VERY) abusive to their child. And sadly each time, I came to the conclusion that there was absolutely nothing I could say, that would make the situation any better for anyone involved. I’m not comparing this AT ALL to what happened to you. It just adds to my bewilderment over what that person thought they had seen. What could have compelled them to call the authorities.
At the time I let it go, hoping in my heart, that it was an isolated incident, that the parent was tired, frustrated, that things might get better when what ever factors outside my moment with them subsided, that it wasn’t a precursor to physical abuse, that it wouldn’t stick, that the child would grow up to be bright and confident and happy regardless. I have never felt so powerless as I did when these things happened, yet, walking up to a total stranger and telling them that they should speak nicely to their child, that they shouldn’t drag them by the arm, is not something I felt qualified to do. And what else is there to do? Calling the authorities to tell them that some parent shook with rage and spoke to their child in a way no grown-up ever should? Of course not. It was very clear to me that I saw only a moment, a snippet of a very vast and complicated situation. But still, that particular instance haunts me sometimes.
As well meaning as they are, some of the good folks here, rushed to make the judgement that the person who reported you for this non-existant abuse, had to have not been a parent, because no parent would ever be so unsympathetic. Yet every day, some parent somewhere does slap their child, does continuously tell them their not good, worthless, stupid. The kinds of judgements we make about others, are often exactly the kinds of judgements we hope people don’t make of us. Yes, there are people who just want to stir trouble, who think the worst of others, but I’d like to think that for all the trauma and harm this person caused you, and how badly they misjudged the situation, they did it from some good place in themselves. I feel hesitant to write that and hope no one judges me for not thinking they were an awful person by default.
Sorry for the monster comment, too, but I gave this a lot of thought last night. It even came up in dinner table conversation, which is a sign of a very good, necessary post. So know that you are inspiring people to discuss what they would do in a similar situation, something that will hopefully prevent any of us putting someone else in your place. That at least is one small good thing to come out of this mess. Lots of love to you and your family.
I am amazed this happened. Seriously amazed. You are, by all accounts and blog posts, an incredible mother. The fact that you screamed is nothing to me, because as a mother, I have to try not scream daily. DAILY. Reading this kind of makes me paranoid. How many tantrums have I had to stop in public (or even in our home) that would make me look like a crazed mother? Many.
I am incredibly sorry this happened to you. ((hugs)), and I would totally be a character witness. In earnest.
You know me. I have a smart ass, sarcastic comment for everything. Reading this actually produced a couple good ones and that was my first instinct. However, I thought I’d be serious for a short moment and then go back to my sarcastic ways.
1) I’ve been criticized for admitting to putting 2 of my 4 kids in the basement, turning off the lights, walking to the 2nd floor, and blaring music. Non-parents and parents of 1 have told me I need lessons is patience and they couldn’t imagine how such a precious creature could get me so mad. I have no words for them. Only life can correct that.
2) I have had to call CPS on multiple parents during my time as an ER doc. It’s not that I suspected anything wrong it’s that society does not allow 1 child who could have been protected to be lost/abused. When you have a chance to think about it rationally I think you’ll thank that person for calling and trying to protect our youth. As you said, you are a social worker and have seen the worst of Philly’s youth. Did that individual handle it the way we would? No. They clearly don’t have the courage to confront someone but at least they won’t tolerate abuse. I can’t fault them for this as I’ve had to face many a parent and tell them CPS is on the way. Good intentions…wrong technique.
3) My mom (Gina) had the cops called on her when we were living in Loveland. Yeah, probably the most loving person in the world and most incapable of abuse had the police called. Then again, we used to get hit with fly swatters.
4) Did you try to explain how you hit Oliver in the head and he needed stitches? Ok, I couldn’t help myself with the sarcastic/smart ass comment.
5) If you ever caused such panic to another mother don’t let it cross your mind. You did it with the best intentions of a child in mind. I’m glad there are folks out there like you looking after our kids.
Joe
Please do not criticize yourself. I think physical punishment is not always a terrible thing. American society has become very PC, but I think underneath the PC veneer the difference between ABUSE and punishment is very clear.
My husband’s mother used to spank all 3 of them when there was a disagreement between the kids, just to be fair. And a more devoted, fair, honest, organized and conscientious mother than my mother-in-law you cannot find. I myself had a magical, privileged, television-free family-dinners-and-bedtime-stories-every-night childhood, and I was an adored child, and I was slapped a couple times. I thoroughly deserved it.
I have NO doubt that had I witnessed your frustration in the parking lot, the idea of abuse would never have come to mind. I would have patted my 6 month pregnant belly and thought “OK it’s not going to be easy…. get ready…”
Obviously the person who took it upon themselves to cry wolf on a perfectly normal situation and waste everyone’s time (surely the police have better things to do?) has their own problems.
I think it’s telling that people today are so zealous about intervening in a situation about which they know absolutely nothing, and yet, the public does not seem ready to accept any form of gun control and most people think it’s ok, even a great idea, to own an assault rifle, with a huge clip, and they consider any background check an infringement on their liberty. Apparently, even the all-out murder of 20 first graders isn’t going to change that. If only the vigilant, passionate advocate for child welfare who turned you in would devote their energies to better use.
Thank you for all of your wonderful perspectives! It has generated so many interesting conversations in my household this weekend!
I’m sure there are plenty of people who still use corporal punishment with their kids. We made a conscious decision not to, based on research that it is just a pretty ineffective way of changing behavior and can result in that child learning to hit/strike out when frustrated (through modeling from the parent). In other words, I can’t in good faith try to teach my child not to hit if I were hitting my child.
As far as the reporter of the incident, like I said in my post, I do believe that people are in general good and trying to look out for others. That being said, I still wish I could have had a conversation with this person… if he or she would have observed for just an instant longer, he/she would have seen that there was nothing to report.
Lauren, thank you so much for sharing your story. You and your family have been on my mind and in my heart all weekend after reading it. There are so many lessons for me to take from your experience, and while I wish it hadn’t happened to you, I appreciate your willingness and bravery to share and make me think. Thank you.
Just wanted to give you another message of support. Your empathy, patience and heart in mothering your children is the reason I read your blog. You can’t just make this up.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I think you very much have the right perspective to think about how this can make you a better person and then just move on from it. No need to dwell on the negative, right?
God bless.
I wanted to also lend support. I parent similarly to you, maybe even less nicely !! I enjoy your blog of mothering adventures because they are so relatable.
Which is why I was shocked and horrified by this and for you.
I think if I am ever in a similar situation and it’s my 3 year old being irrational and a disaster and a danger to himself (and my injury) in would want another mom or kind adult to come over and help in some way. Help coach the child, help with shopping cart, something. If I see something like your ordeal happening, I imagine I am nosy enough/helpful enough to give another mother a hand.
I cannot fathom calling DFS for anything similar. I have had to for working in the schools, and then we really were cautious in calling.
I’m late to this conversation and typing one handed, but wanted to let you know you’ve been in my thoughts. The genuine smiles that cover the faces of all three of your boys is not a result of abuse, but of loving parenting. I can only hope to be as wonderful of a mother as you are.
If there were an anonymous hotline where citizens could report good mamas for being patient, kind and awesome with their kids in public, then you would have a thousand of those reports racked up by now. And instead of officers, they’d send over organic produce, anthro gift cards, or flowers. (we can dream)
Oh my god, mama. I am in shock just reading this. I am so, so sorry this happened to you. I would have reacted (from beginning to end) exactly as you did.
This is especially poignant right now for me as I, too, have a three year old (well, he’ll be three next month), and am amazed at what a challenging age it is. Kaspar has always been sweet and easy, remarkably so. He’s still sweet and wonderful and loving, but we have absolutely entered a new phase. Terrible two’s did not exist for us. Three is a whole new game. As Oliver did, he will randomly, and without warning, become indignant and emotional. There is no reasoning around it, and sometimes, you’ve just gotta get into the car, you know? Most of the time, things are golden, but he will become VERY upset, very quickly, for unreasonable reasons, and it’s tough. Yesterday, I picked him up from school, and had to make a quick stop at the grocery store. He’d been in a fine mood, and then, randomly, started demanding I put everything back that I was trying to purchase. “No! I don’t want blueberries! Do NOT buy blueberries!” I was deliberately patient at first, “Kaspar, you don’t have to eat blueberries –” (he loves blueberries, and of course ate handfuls when we arrived home) “– but I am going to buy them.” … To which he fussed and whined (loudly), and suddenly I was that mom in the grocery store with the loud, fussing kid. I streamlined my list and made my way through it as quickly as possible, but by item #5 or 6, and Kaspar pulling this same annoying (and increasingly loud and insistent) routine, I leaned over and said to him in a clearly-irritated, don’t-mess-with-me mom voice I have heard others use but have never heard from myself, “Kaspar, stop talking to me like that RIGHT NOW.” There was definitely another shopper right beside me, and I’m sure he thought my parenting either totally normal or totally dysfunctional (depending on whether or not he has kids himself, no doubt), but I didn’t care… Kaspar kept it together long enough to make it out to the car, at which point I took some deep breaths, smiled, and struck up a conversation about school, asking if anything had made him upset that day (“no”) and subsequently why he was in such a shit (I said “grumpy”) mood. He had no idea. And it blew over immediately. But dang, I thought, what an age three is promising to be. … Anyway, I feel for you. And if CPS had shown up at my house last night, it would have turned our strong finish on a challenging day into something very unnerving and disturbing to me, as a mom and a person.
You ARE a great mom. Hopefully YOUR mom told the CPS lady to check out your thoughtful, colorful, joyful blog as further proof.
xo Alt-Mama
Ps. Just saw your mom’s comment here. Love. Yay moms! Hope you’re feeling much better about this whole incident now that some time has passed. 🙂
Lauren,
I just saw this today although I heard about it a few days ago. I think I delayed myself in reading it because I knew it was going to just suck. I knew I was going to read a miserable, heartbreaking and terribly ironic account of your experience. And I didn’t want to. You readers’ comments echo my own support for you and Andrew as wonderful parents, you two would be among the few we’d feel comfortable raising our own kids if the worst happened. To have someone (whatever their intentions) judge you so wrongly must be infuriating. I understand your burning need to set them right about your character. I agree with “Joe” about the kids who are truly abused or suspected of such. There is a special place for those who could do such evil to the most helpless among us. But there is never, ever, any chance that an honest evaluation of you and your family could lead to that conclusion. I hope with the passage of time your mortification, anger and sorrow over this will lessen. I hope whoever reported you sees you next week at the grocery and knows they were mistaken. I know your boys will never feel fear, emptiness or resentment of their childhood. I hope you know now, if you didn’t before, the kind of support that will always be available to you…because you deserve it. xoxo
Oh my God Lauren, I am SO, SO, SO sorry this happened to you. It sounds absolutely horrible and unfortunately, I can somewhat relate to how horrible you felt. When I was little someone made a false report of abuse to CPS and I had to get questioned. It was just terrible. I hope you are feeling better and it’s not haunting you too much.. You are an INCREDIBLE mom in every way and so undeserving of this experience. I love your mom’s comment (made me teary). Thank you for so bravely sharing with us! xoxo
Lauren I’m so sorry this happened to you. I do not know you, I’ve never read your blog before, I’ve just stumbled on it on my search for help.
I work in a nursery, I’ve never once considered that a person investigated could be innocent. ‘Theres no smoke without fire.’
Yet this has happened to me. I had a hard childhood, and every one knows that with abuse, you either repeat the cycle or you break free. I was adamant that I would never have children just incase. Then when I turned 19 I realised that because of the horror I went through (with parents that were never investigated even once), I would fight with everything in me to break the cycle. And I’ve happily worked with children for 10 years, with never a problem. I was blessed with a ‘teachers voice’, so have never had to raise my voice as the change in tone does wonders!
Yet my life crumbled 4 weeks ago. After a fun morning at work, I was called into the office and informed a 4 year old made an allegation against me. I was stunned, heart broken, so shocked. My manager told me that even the parent did not believe it. The child accused two other people before me but has since stuck with me. Due to policy and procedures, I had to be suspended and the police involved as the child had bruising on her leg. It took me about a week to begin feeling angry. Not at anyone involved, but because I realised someone had obviously harmed this child and was free to do so again whilst I was being penalised.
I’m absolutely heart broken. I’m scared and I can’t stop crying. All I’ve ever wanted to do is protect children so they won’t have to live the life I have lived. I have never in my life raised my hand to a child, the thought makes me feel physically sick. And as if all of this wasn’t bad enough, I have just started university January 2014, alongside work to become a teacher. I also have fertility problems so would need to be assessed before IVF. All of this would ruin my entire life. I wouldn’t become the teacher I’ve always wanted to be, or the mother I know I’d be good enough to be.
I’m trying to keep my faith, that the investigation will soon be over (it’s been the summer holidays) and that I can go back to work. But that fear, it’s paralysing. My manager has been behind me 110% and knows I would never… And the thought of someone finding out I’ve been accused. Even though I’m completely innocent… I still feel ashamed, embarrassed. I’m completely lost, and alone. This ‘job’ I’ve been doing for so long, has been the most rewarding experience of my life. But this has overshadowed that reward. I’m scared to work now. And I’m just heart broken.
I wanted to share my experience, to show what it’s like to be on the other side of these allegations.
To show that actually, there can be so much smoke, without a fire x
Ann, I’m so, so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. I hope that it all blows over and that your good reputation means something. It is a terribly scary thing to go through. My thoughts are with you!
Good God. Where is the right to parent? has the state and cops taken that over? I do not mean to be offensive, but my God, really? I would have told the cop to f-off. Bloody hell. So sorry to hear this.