Montessori-Inspired: On Obedience

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Upon observing uprisings of fascism in Europe during the Hitler regime, Dr. Maria Montessori warned of the dangers of blind obedience: “… the obedience which is expected of a child both at home and in the school — an obedience admitting neither of reason or of justice — prepares the man to be docile to blind forces.” She went on to say that “the child who has never learned to act alone, to direct his own actions, to govern his own will, grows into an adult who is easily led.”

When Montessori teachers refused to declare loyalty to fascism in 1931, Hitler closed down Montessori schools. Dr. Montessori’s books were burned and she was promptly forced into exile.

I wrote an article for The Washington Post which went up yesterday regarding the strong-willed child and obedience. Check it out here if you’re interested! And for the record, I’ve been told by every one of his teachers since he was a wee thing that Oliver is a pleasure to have in class. We love you, buddy, all the way! Don’t listen to the haters!

13 thoughts on “Montessori-Inspired: On Obedience”
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  1. I was overjoyed to see the article tagged on my Facebook wall last night by no other then Vicki Hoefle!! I almost yelled out, I know her she’s great but then I realized that reading someones blog for years doesn’t mean you know them haha! But anyways, as always well written article. I also have a spirited child and wouldn’t change it for anything. He is who he is, we just flow with it.

  2. Oh, this reminder is helpful. I’ve been surprised by the way my daughter (at 3 years old) wants to enter negotiations over the smallest things, or will be outright defiant to me (Example: Me asking her nicely to come into another room, her shouting, “NO!”). Her Montessori teachers mentioned in our conference something that we have learned the hard way–going head to head with her does not get anything accomplished. You have to give her the opportunity to come around on her own terms. Sometimes I worry that this is “giving in” or letting a three-year-old dictate our lives, but I want her to WANT to help me, not to do it because she fears repercussions. I’m hopeful she will eventually harness that spirit to accomplish great things!

  3. Alma, thank you! I have the same reactions to bloggers I’ve followed for years. I often find myself feeling defensive for them, or cheering them on, despite never having met them in real life. I feel your support and positivity, so thank you!

    Brooke, three was by far the hardest age for Oliver. It seemed like every single little thing was defiance and disagreement, and really the impression I got from him was that he was just always having this internal struggle with reason, logic, and emotion. I think for strong-willed kids, they just feel things on such a grand scale, it’s hard for them to reign it in. Your daughter, from what I’ve read, seems like a real fighter (and I mean that in a good way, really). I think making it seem like she has a choice in small things can go a long way. For instance, this morning, Oliver wanted to go coatless to school, in a t-shirt, and it was very cold. I gave him the choice between wearing two sweatshirts or a coat. He chose two sweatshirts. Also, I totally get you wanting to want your daughter to help. It comes in time, I promise! And she will feel the respect you give her and dole it out to you! It’s such a good thing for building that relationship and trust! Hang in there! ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. The best part of this is when you say Oliver’s teachers love him! Our youngest is extremely strong-willed and will argue / debate us on every minute little detail, but anytime we’re around any teacher of hers they just go on and on about how much they adore her and love having her in class. I think parents get the raw end of the deal sometimes – I mean, we have to deal with them a lot – and when they are the most exhausted and emotionally spent. We still have our challenges, but it is getting easier.

  5. Kristin, I think it’s because they know and trust us — they feel comfortable to push against us in order to figure life out. I also think it’s interesting that people confuse “strong-willed” with rude, bratty, disrespectful, etc. Oliver is my most polite kid — the first to say thank you and the first to give others a hug when they are hurt or sad. It sounds like your daughter is very similar. They are thoughtful and have a strong inner moral compass, those strong-willed ones!

  6. So thrilled to see Oliver in my Facebook feed this afternoon as the pic associated with your linked up WP article.

    My 6 year old hair cut avoider became a haircut tolerant-er last year when we realized it was sensitive skin and a sensory issue of into buzzed off hairs hurting his skin, and we used barber powder and now he’s cool with it. Lots of his strong willed stuff from ages 1-5 have just mellowed this year and I almost kind of miss the drama?

    Anyway, so cool that your blogging is getting noticed for your high quality of writing. Great job!

  7. LOVE my strong-willed child. He is a challenge, but he is awesome. His sub-par school has allowed the words “obedient” and “disobedient” to creep into his vocabulary, and I am not happy about it. So we talk about what he thinks about those ideas, should you always obey, are there times when it might be good to disobey, when is it absolutely necessary to follow instructions, etc. If I can’t control his input, I can at least help him think critically about that input.

    Absolutely love Laura Markham too. The woman has made me cry so many times and saved me so many times.

    But yes, strong-willed children are extremely challenging. Especially an emotionally *sensitive*, strong-willed child like mine. Try to even suggest in the kindest way possible something else, and it’s major waterworks. Not because he’s a jerk, but because his feelings are hurt. Ah, little dudes. I can’t wait to see what they’re like all grown up.

  8. I thought the analogy using Nazi Germany was interesting, but you could very well have substituted that for white people in this country and their relationship with black and brown people. Hitler was safe as an example. Challenge your readers to think even further about themselves. If they can be pushed to be more open about their strong willed kids, they should challenge their racism and implicit bias.

    Your readers are conditioned as adults and that should be challenged for the sake of their kids.

  9. The topic of race in American society–and the ways in which race influences interpersonal perception and relationships–is certainly an important one. But, not every article can (or should) be about that specific topic.

  10. Great article! And I got a chuckle out of “Just a little bit nasty. Not too nasty, though.” That needs to be embroidered and hung on his bedroom wall!

    Audrey is my strong willed child. She’s a delightful person, kind, and generous, but if she doesn’t agree with something, she is a honey badger and doesn’t give a shit. It’s frustrating at times, but I know it will serve her well in life, being able to stand up for herself and not be a people pleaser. Especially in a culture that values “nice girls” who are taught to always smile and agree. One can be nice, while still having an opinion and standing firm.

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