Sleep for the Weary

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It’s no secret among our family and friends that nighttime around here is anything but a restful time. Those of you who have ever stayed overnight with us know all too well the insane number of wake-ups and disruptions. Someone is crying or calling out “Mamaaaaaaa!” nearly every hour until daybreak.

It has been this way for the past 6 years.

Milo started sleeping through the night (hard) merely weeks before Oliver was born. And Oliver has just never been a good sleeper. He is three-and-a-half now, and still wakes up two or three times a night needing reassurance that someone is there: a drink of water, a tuck-in, or just to see with his own eyes that his parents still exist, haven’t up and vanished in the night.

Emil is the same. He is easy-as-pie to get back to sleep, but has yet to learn the self-soothing techniques necessary to awaken, then settle back in on his own. I am to blame, surely. Co-sleeping until 8 months, breastfeeding on-demand until 17 months, etc. I parented by following my instincts, not books and experts on parenting. It never felt right to let my babies cry, so I responded, maybe a little too quickly. I suppose Andrew and I both fall somewhere on the wide range of attachment parenting styles, and because of it I think our boys are incredibly independent, sure of themselves, and confident in their physical capabilities. They are secure. But they don’t sleep well.

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The disruption is affecting my mood and ability to function, I swear. The longest stretch of sleep I have gotten in the past 6 years is 3 hours. 3 HOURS! And while we are all functioning, I know I would be feeling better (fewer headaches, less of a need for caffeine in my waking hours, more energy, a less depressed mood) if I were sleeping better.

A week ago, Oliver slept through the night. 12 hours in a row, not one wake-up. And though Emil was still up a few times, I noticed a marked difference in my mood the next morning. Oliver was also much happier and more agreeable.

Then. Then, both Oliver and Emil developed double ear infections AND pneumonia (yes, both of them have double ear infections, both of them have pneumonia) and all hope for rest flew right back out the window. I spent the week trying desperately not to lose my mind while fighting sleep deprivation- carrying Emil or Oliver around, trying to make someone, anyone, comfortable while trying not to ignore a very healthy, spirited Milo and all of his needs for attention and conversation and food and exercise. On the fourth day of this, Emil refused all naps despite attempt after crazy-making attempt, while Oliver cried and cried and made demands which he didn’t really want, and threw himself on the floor and refused to sleep until the very second I put him in the car to pick up Milo from preschool. I locked myself in the bathroom exactly one time that day and screamed a sound usually reserved for monsters.

I am brutally aware of how impossibly childish this post sounds. If I were my ideal person, I would take all of this in stride, with grace, instead of whining and feeling sorry for myself. I would simply write about my poor little guys and how horrible they must feel being so sick (and I do feel that way, of course!). It would be about them. It would list ways of comforting them and ways of making them sleep peacefully. But I don’t have all of these answers. I don’t know how to feel better and stronger as a parent right now. I know these feelings of inadequacy and being overwhelmed will pass (probably with the passing of winter), but right now I am just in the thick of it and frankly, it sucks.

This weekend we are supposed to have beautiful weather. I am hoping with all my might that I can escape the house for an hour or two and shrug off all the weight that has been resting on my shoulders, if only for a while. And sorry for being such a downer. It’s just life, sometimes.

23 thoughts on “Sleep for the Weary”
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  1. I appreciate this post so much. My daughter, who is one, wakes every two hours, and I nurse her through the night because responding to my instincts seems to be what I want to do. With that and a busy three year-old, I don’t get much sleep. So I relate to the exhausted and hopeless feeling that you describe. I wish I could also relate to the way that you manage to cook delicious meals and plan exciting adventures for your boys on so little sleep. I’m glad you do though, since I love reading about it.

  2. You ARE handling this whole thing with grace. Truly. There is no such thing as a perfect mother. She doesn’t exist. The best you can possibly hope to do, is to follow your parenting instincts- and that is what you are doing.
    I wish this part didn’t have to be so hard. So wearily, bleakly, and dismally hard. All I can tell you is what you already know: you are not alone and it does get easier.
    One things for sure, if you ever come to Indianapolis I will take all the kids to the park while you take a nap.

  3. Oh, Sara! I know the feeling! And just to set the record straight, sometimes I feel that getting out of the house is the only hope for me to improve my mood (and the boys tend to destroy the house otherwise), so I’m afraid my plans to take them fun places are for selfish reasons a lot of the time!
    And as far as the food goes, we order pizza once a week and on rough days, we have been known to eat eggs and toast for dinner. I know sometimes it seems like life is so easy and fun on a blog, but really, it’s just the highlights, not the everyday!

  4. I don’t think you sound childish at all. I think you sound human. I hope that this is a phase you can soon start working your way out of or that you can come up with some creative solutions until all the boys are bigger. Either way, something has to give. It may sound selfish but I often feel like there’s a lot to be said for mamas taking care of themselves first. I know personally I’m a much better mama when I’m rested, hydrated, eating good food, turning my attention to things other than Gus for some parts of the day, and so on. Of course that’s just my equation that works for me. Everyone is different. But really, I just want to give you a hug and a night off. Wish we were closer and hoping you get some of that well-earned rest soon. xo

  5. I don’t respond right away to baby fusses after six months or so, and I did read and reread the baby sleep books for reassurance.

    So I do get full sleep as baby is close to 9 months – like 5-6 hrs in row- and sometimes Dan is the one who goes to help with 2 am 3 year old freak out.

    I feel really lucky now!!!!!!!!

    And I can understand lots more how hard it would be to hope for four kids and then feel physically impossible to get another one!

  6. Um, what does it say about me that I only have one child and at times feel a need to lock myself in the bathroom? Haha…it totally messes up your brain, body, hormones, emotions…etc when you are functioning (daily) on an inadequate amount of sleep. I am amazed that you have not checked yourself into a hotel (alone) after the week you have had! You are certainly deserving of some alone time!!! Sending my love!!!

  7. You have my total sympathy! It took my little one a year to sleep through the night. I also nursed on demand and comforted him whenever he woke because it just didn’t feel right to let him cry it out. I was at my wits end when he finally started sleeping through. I feel your pain and admire your good attitude – six years is a LONG time to go without good sleep. Hang in there! I’m wishing you a weekend of sunny outdoor days and quiet peaceful nights!

  8. Not childish. We’ve all been there! Does Oliver ever come to bed with you guys? Rho didn’t sleep through the night until he was three. We still cosleep, and unlike when he was younger and the availability of breasts meant more waking, now it seems to comfort him to be in bed with mama and dada, and he sleeps through the night. I know families who have modified cosleeping patterns (such as the child comes to the parents’ bed when they first wake.) It seems to work for us to get everyone more sleep, but I know it’s not for everyone.

  9. I’ve only recently moved out of this boat and then only slightly. My 5 1/2 year old only started sleeping soundly (out for the count, not up in the night) around 3 1/2. My 2 1/4 is still awake a few nights a week. Usually only once but still rough. We really want to get rid of the nighttime pacifier but its what lets us sleep. Rediscovered clipping it to him. I keep putting off getting rid of it. Sleep is so incredibly necessary. Try and find more and more things that let you take a minute to yourself – and truly there’s a reason they put locks on bathroom doors in houses!!!!

  10. It is most definitely NOT your fault that the boys wake during the night! I coslept with Oren and Iris for well past 8 months and I have been pretty lucky in the sleep department. I also nursed on demand. With Oren, I really gave him everything he wanted at night because I was guilty about working full time. I honestly think it’s a fluke. You get what you get in the kid issues department. We are now dealing with five-year-old potty regression and who the hell knows what that is stemming from. Not wanting to be bothered when you would rather be building a Lego spaceship? You are amazing to be functioning so well! I think it’s that your boys want you with them all the time- you are such a great mama! I swear I read somewhere that children with sleep issues when they are young turn out to be incredibly intelligent (totally not making this up!) I hope they feel better (ear infections and pneumonia? poor kids!) and that you get a nap this weekend. And sometimes you just have to complain. Go for it.

  11. Thanks, everyone! So good to hear these different perspectives!

    Liz- Oliver seemed to sleep worse when he was with us, which is so strange. When I try to nap with him now in my bed, he tells me to leave! Ha, ha!

    Annie M.- Don’t worry about the potty regression. I’m sure that is exactly the issue- not wanting to stop what he is doing because he is so engrossed in play. And it’s interesting about the sleep issues and later adult intelligence. Apparently Andrew was the world’s worst sleeper when he was a kid, and he is quite literally the smartest person I know! There’s hope for poor Oliver yet.

  12. Oy vey. Sorry Mama. Sleep deprivation is no joke. I sincerely hope the sleeping situation gets better…for ALL of you. And I was JUST talking to my sister about the lack of sleep/intelligence correlation. An active (and very bright) mind has trouble resting! Perhaps Oliver is a little genius in the making?!

  13. Oh Lauren! I have never felt more strongly that I wished I lived nearby. I’d be at your house in a snap. You need a break! On your own with three little kids, two of whom don’t sleep and have pneumonia? That’s more than enough reason to be weary, just for starters. Since I can’t hop on a plane, can you get someone — a sitter, a friend, a family member — to come help you, even for a few hours?

    I hope your boys are feeling better soon. And you, too. You know that cliche about putting on your own oxygen mask before your kids’? I hope that you can find your oxygen mask soon.

    And also, please call me anytime. I’m not in the same area code, but I’m always here for you.

    xoxoxo

  14. You are doing really well for someone who has not had a full night sleep in 6 years!! I don’t know how you haven’t had a breakdown before now. It is ok to feel a little (or more than a little) overwhelmed. We are really lucky with Lulu, she’s a good sleeper. We co slept (in our bed or in a cot in our room) until she was 8 months. Now she’ll generally wake around 10pm for a feed or quick cuddle then again around 5am for a feed & then sleep until 6/6:30. So though she doesn’t ‘sleep through 7-7’ she does give us (and herself) a good stretch of uninterrupted sleep. I do use ‘the pause’ with her, checking to see if she’ll keep crying after a minute or so or resettle & usually she’ll resettle, but you have to do what works for you. If you’re not comfortable with that method then it doesn’t work for you. Hope your boys are feeling better soon & that you get a little Momma break too xx

  15. I can’t beleive you posted this today, I’m literally near tears from exhaustion with our brand new sleep issue. We’ve been so lucky up until now. I had planned on cosleeping initially and we did for three months when it became clear that Wyatt was a light sleeper and we were actually disturbing his sleep. We put him in his own room and crib and I would go and nurse him for night wakings and bring him to our bed at the first early morning waking. By 8 months he was only waking once in the night on his own, but I am such an awful sleeper that even that was so disruptive for me. We made the tough call to do a modified cry it out method where James went in every three minutes but didn’t pick him up, just assured him we were there. It was disastrous the first night, but by night four we had a twelve hour sleeper and have for two years… until the last two days where he got scared by the wind and has decided he will not sleep alone ever again. I literally got 45 minutes of sleep last night- it’s a disaster and he gets out of his crib with ease so the whole thing is a mess.

    I guess my point in recounting all of this is that it’s really such a crap shoot. I felt like I was really firm with sleep in a way that actually contradicts most of the rest of my parenting choices which are more attachment/nurturing. It’s what I needed to survive because I have so many sleep issues of my own- but now, even with those firmly laid boundaries, we’re having issues.

    And three seperate boys with individual sleep issues!It’s not you it’s them 🙂 I’m grateful for a helpful partner and I know you have the same so that’s something to cling to… some day we’ll all sleep again.

  16. Oh, Lilly! That sounds just terrible! And when you are pregnant, and needing extra rest to begin with, a setback with sleep is so overwhelming. Does W have his toddler molars? Sometimes that can make a previously great sleeper regress for a while. Don’t worry! If he was a good sleeper before, he’ll get back there!

  17. Holy lung butter, Batman. This doesn’t sound childish or downer at all. It’s so hard to function properly without enough sleep, and even harder when a kid is sick. And with two kids sick? That’s just no fun for anyone. I’m sorry it’s been rough for you! I hope those two feel better soon and start getting more rest.

    As you know, Audrey was a neversleeper until she turned two. Really, until I weaned her at 2 years and 2 weeks, which is pretty much exactly a year ago right now. She just would not sleep during the day or night, and it was miserable. And we have been co-sleepers since Julian was a baby. Part of it is attachment parenting, but the biggest part of it is that if I am to get any rest, I need them to just quiet the eff down right away and go to sleep – and the quickest way to do that is in the big bed with us. But we got a ton of judgment from people about it. For not having Audrey on a napping schedule (haaaaaaa!) and for co-sleeping, and for breastfeeding so long. But I just think as a parent you do what you have to do to get by. So I have no judgment on anyone for their night time routines (or lack of) because it’s so hard and every kid is so different.

    I hope you’re able to get some time to yourself for a bit of renewal this weekend. xo

  18. This might not be helpful at all, but… have you tried putting Oliver and Emil in the same bedroom? Perhaps they would sleep better knowing someone else is in there too?

  19. Dear Lauren, if you DIDN’T feel overwhelmed by all of this I would really be worried. You sound like a completely normal mama to me! This stage of life that so much of us are in is kinda nuts. We have these little creatures that need SO much of us ALL of the time and it’s freaking hard! It is for me too. Just ask my husband. There have been (and still are) nights after we put the boys down and I just cry because I feel like I didn’t handle things the way I would have liked that day – I wasn’t patient enough, or I didn’t respond in the right way, or whatEVER else could have gone wrong. But I do know this – our life won’t always be in such a physically/emotionally demanding spot. It’s just that we’re raising little human beings and it’s a epic job!

    xoxox
    C.

  20. Oh my, I hope this situation improve for you. I think you said you were stopping at three, so I guess while this doesn’t help now, hopefully as they all mellow out in their sleep as the get a bit older you will have many years of (mostly) uninterrupted sleep to come? Sleep is such a tricky little monster. As you know Iz is still very young and she wakes a couple times a night at least to eat. Usually that is all okay and goes rather smoothly as we keeping her in our own room and often bed, but she lately getting her to sleep is a challenge. E’s wearing her to sleep right now and hoping it works. I have terrible sleep issues from my own childhood and am determined to give her everything she needs to feel secure, but my oh my those short 2 hour chunks do not add up to a very rested mama, as you know. Here’s hoping more rested nights are on the horizon. Maybe with the changing weather will bring a change in sleep, one can only hope!

  21. Lauren – I could so relate to your post about lack of sleep and I am taking a bit of comfort from the many comments here, too. My two are inconsistent sleepers. Some nights, they sleep great (4-6 hour stretches) and some nights, we’re in there comforting and soothing every two hours. Of course, those great nights are rarely both kids at the same time! Like you, I keep reminding myself they won’t be 5 years and 17 months forever, and sleep will eventually come back to us. It’s just hard when I have to go to work, and my husband is with them for the day, then he’s off to work while I’m with them in the evenings. There is just no relief and being tired affects my patience – alot.
    Thank you for posting about this – it really does help to know we’re not the only ones dealing with this. My other comfort is that I read somewhere that sleeping through the night is like any other milestone – it happens when it happens. 🙂

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