Oliver is currently in the middle of a “needy” phase. It involves some backsliding on independence. Suddenly he needs help getting dressed, putting on shoes, reaching things, brushing his teeth. He needs help getting buckled into his car seat, something he has been doing on his own lately. He insists on being carried from the car into the house sometimes. At face value, it seems ridiculous. At first thought, I wanted to push back, say no, tell him he was being silly. But pushing back against Oliver is like going up against a bulldozer. It needs to be done, sure. He is four years old and does not run the household, make the rules, or control everyone else’s day. That being said, I have learned to choose my battles carefully with this lad. Meeting his anger with anger, for instance, multiplies anger and the escalation gets us nowhere fast.
When I thought hard about it, I realized that this has happened before. The backsliding, the neediness, the whininess and the sudden fearfulness in being alone on the second floor of our house- all of it comes on the heals of something big. A leap in development follows, if it is anything like past experience. So every afternoon when I pick him up from preschool, it is extra hugs and kisses, a bit of babying, really. I say yes to carrying him up the stairs and into our house, helping him with his shoes, walking upstairs with him to get his beloved hedgehog in broad daylight because it’s “too sca-wee.” He’s little, still, even when he is not as little as his little brother. I repeat this to myself when the demands seem unfounded, I feel stretched and tired and at my wit’s end. 
He is little. Until he suddenly isn’t anymore.
P.s.- Oliver came up with this activity when he found a small tack hammer and some styrofoam pieces in the basement left over from who-knows-what. He asked me for some nails, and I suggested toothpicks instead. Voila! He made a porcupine! And yes, I am aware of the irony of his independence and creativity in coming up with this task, while in the same day claiming he cannot put two pieces of velcro together… such is the dichotomy of Oliver.
I heard someone describe this needy stage like swimming across a lake. The child is getting ready to do something big, something new- such as swimming across a lake. But before they take off, they make sure they have a safety spot, you, his raft. As the child gains confidence that their raft is always there and never moves away or changes, then they become ready to make the giant leap and swim the lake.
I’d say you are doing a pretty good job at being a raft.
I had this conversation with Avery, who turns 5 in January, 10 minutes after I read this:
Me: “Ok, honey, go put your socks on and I’ll help you if you need it.”
Her: “Mo-om, I don’t NEED your help, I WANT it!”
i love love love what Ami said in the comments. it really does put it into perspective and you, mama, are doing a fantastic job.
also, tell oliver thank you. i bet ramona would love this craft and as soon as i get my hands on some styrofoam pieces i’d love for her to figure out how to make a porcupine as well.
Yes!! One minute they’re jumping from insane heights because they’re “big boys and they’re not even scared” but then the next minute they require assistance in turning on the bathroom light cuz it’s “too dark in dere.”
I try to remind myself that they really ARE little guys still. Gotta cherish if I can! 😉
xo
cortnie
I really needed to read this today! (yesterday, really, when my 5 year old was sooo much needier/whine-ier than his 2 younger sibs)
Thank you for the good thoughts, Lauren.
Oh, goodness, this is so familiar! And you’re right, you just have to pick your battles. He’s such a little innovator.
You are way wise beyond your years and your mothering instincts are one of the reasons I so love being around you. You have such a knack for this and for guiding others around you with your kind and patient way. Ruthie is completely right, Oliver is an innovator – and we are paying boatloads of money for new city to teach jack activities just like the one he created himself.
We’ve been going through this big time, the reasons being pretty obvious. Typically these phases have been short lived, but this one’s got legs! It’s exhausting but you’re right, they’re still very little. Sweet porcupine!