Over our boys’ spring break, they re-watched the movie Up, an animated Disney movie that follows a “wilderness explorer” and a feisty 78-year-old balloon salesman on an adventure to South America. The movie is heartfelt and I particularly appreciated the close connection that forms between the boy and his elderly friend as well as the use of an older character as a brave and witty hero. The boys loved the movie too, but for a different reason: the wilderness badges.
As soon as the movie was over, Milo and Oliver started discussing which “badges” they would have earned; Milo was sure he would have the climbing badge while Oliver stated matter-of-factly that he would have the art badge and probably the navigation badge since he has been studying geography so intensely in school. Then, Milo turned to me and asked, “Mama, why can’t we join the boy scouts?”
It was a question Andrew and I had avoided answering truthfully for awhile. It was easy to dismiss the issue a year ago, when we were saying no to just about all extra curricular activities and had discussed with our boys how we thought they just needed down time after school for now. But recently we let some activities sneak in at the boys’ urging; the older two do circus class every Saturday and just joined their after-school running club this spring. It would have been easy to say, “You guys are signed up for enough extras for now,” and let the issue drop. But there has been a lot of open discussion between Andrew and me within earshot of the boys about some pretty serious topics, so I felt that it was time I had that open discussion (albeit more their speed) with them directly.
I usually prefer to keep this online space a lighthearted one, leaving out news and politics and religion even though they are talked about almost daily in our home. But I wanted to share this particular topic because it is on the forefront of our minds lately and has been an issue that is very near and dear to us.
We are strong advocates of gay rights and the Boy Scouts of America are not.
While the Boy Scouts have made some progress on the issue (they now “allow” openly gay scouts to participate and recently hired an openly gay Eagle Scout as a camp counselor), they still prohibit openly gay adult leaders. Even after individual scout groups such as one in Maryland adopted non-discrimination policies declaring that the group would not discriminate “against any individual or family based on race, religion, national origin, or sexual orientation,” they received threats from the NCAC leaders of the Boy Scouts of America that they would not be recognized as an organization unless they “erased the reference to sexual orientation in their non-discrimination statement.” To me, it’s pretty clear where they stand on this issue. And that’s not a position we are willing to support or ignore.
Because we have been raising our children to accept others, treat others with kindness and respect, and to embrace differences, the conversation I had with Milo and Oliver was a natural one. We talked about what being gay means, and how it is just another amazing example of the beauty of human diversity. I answered all of their questions with honesty and gave examples of the friends and family we love and respect. And then I had to tell them that not everyone accepts people for who they are, and that sometimes they take it so far that they make rules to exclude them.
By this point, Milo had started tearing up. He was angry and sad, but I couldn’t tell if it was because he was disappointed that we weren’t going to let him be a boy scout, or if he was troubled by the unfairness of exclusion. “But Mom, that’s bullying!” he said. And then I started crying too. “Yes, buddy, it is.”
We will not let our three wonderful, dynamic, super smart boys be boy scouts until the Boy Scouts of America changes their policy not only on gay members and leaders, but also religious freedom (or more accurately, the freedom to choose no religion at all). Because it turns out, upon further investigation, this organization also prohibits atheist members and leaders. So, unless you are religious and straight, you’re not welcome.
I talked with Milo and Oliver for about half an hour about all of this, which is a long time to talk about a serious issue with a 5 and 7-year-old. They both seemed really angry and sad, but we talked about how important it is not to ignore the exclusion of others just because you really want to do something, and how that would make you a bully too. We talked about doing what you feel is right, doing what you believe in, and trying to make a change. Milo asked how we could change their minds. I told them that sometimes you can’t, but that it’s really important to try, and one place to start is by writing a letter or having a discussion.
We’re giving the issue space with our boys, but also contemplating helping our older boys formulate a letter expressing their feelings on the exclusion promoted by the Boy Scouts of America. If they are ready, they will write and send it. If not, we will revisit the topic later.
After our discussion, Milo and Oliver had an intense brainstorming session, and decided that the best way to deal with this issue was to form their own scout group, where anyone could join, and where they would design and earn paper badges, and that’s exactly what they’ve done. Oliver earned a “laundry badge” for doing an entire load of laundry from start to finish, from sorting to pouring detergent to finding the right cycle, to transferring the wet clothes to the dryer, then removing and folding the dried clothing… and then (kind of) putting them away. He was so proud of his paper circle with a washing machine on it!
I am disheartened by the “one step forward, two steps back” movement of gay rights at the moment. That what appears to me to be completely obvious civil rights issues do not appear that way to others, and that I have to have a discussion with my little boys about why some adults are pretty closed-minded when it comes to people who are different from themselves. But you’d better believe I’m not going to shield them from the injustices of the world to have them grow up completely oblivious to what others might be going through. We are teaching them to stand up for what they believe in, for what’s right.
So for now, we’re no boy scouts.
