Simplifying

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Even plants need baths!

I would not call our house cluttered by any means. But lately, I have been looking around and feeling like we just have too much stuff.  A good deal of it is the toy situation and Emil’s constant curiosity/short attention span (he can dump out every toy bin downstairs in 10 seconds flat. I timed him) but some of it is just what happens when we don’t stay on top of things.

With every change of season comes the desire to clean every nook and cranny, and when those crannies contain unnecessary stuff, I wonder why. And do we need this stuff? Does this stuff enrich our lives or make us happier? The answer is usually no.

The kids’ toy situation gets out of control the fastest, as they can accumulate so many items through gifts from family and friends. I get it. In fact, I am guilty of it! We go through a semi-annual toy purge, but this is getting a bit harder as the kids get older and know exactly what they have and want to keep it ALL. Andrew and I rarely buy them toys– we got them each two small things for their birthdays (Oliver got a tool belt and a toy car, Milo a little catapult and a toy car, Emil got a doll), and we often suggest to family to chip in for one gift for them all (like the play house) but where do you draw the line? I feel like such a schmuck asking for no gifts from family and friends- I certainly don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable or be a wet blanket.  So before the holidays approach… let’s discuss. How do you handle the influx of toys and stuff? How do you raise a child who will appreciate what he has and not get caught up in always wanting more? And finally, is it inappropriate or just plain rude to ask for no gifts for your kids? I’m so curious to see if anyone else out there thinks about this…

18 thoughts on “Simplifying”
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  1. I totally understand, Lauren. The holidays are a time for giving, and so I think that talking to the boys about wrapping a toy they no longer play with and taking it to a homeless shelter may be the way to go. They will each understand that there are children with NO toys to play with, and that giving a toy as a present can make them feel wonderful. The way that the holidays have become so commercial in this country is such a shame, and we should do our part to change that mentality.

  2. So funny that you are talking about gifts and STUFF for kids. My husband and I are anti-stuff and have made it a point to let our friends and family know this. For our wedding, we asked for NO gifts and did not have a wedding shower so when we had Alice, our family was prepared for the NO gifts again for our kid. We make it sound less harsh by saying that we’d rather them spend the money on a plane ticket to Boston (no one lives near us) than a gift for Alice. And, so far, it’s totally worked! When we do receive a gift for Alice, it is usually small, locally-made and thoughtful, not the ‘gift for gift’s sake’ that our society has come to be. I think we have trained our family! Hopefully it sticks.

    But with the holidays coming up…. I’m sure we’ll be having the NO gifts talk with all of them again. : )

  3. Gifts can get out of control so quickly. One way we try to keep level of “stuff” down is to ask for memberships to different zoos or museums instead of toys that will take up so much room. Also, magazine subscriptions are really nice as gifts. They still create a little clutter, but magazines store much better and are easier to get rid of.

  4. This discussion about “stuff” is very timely for me. My son is turning three in a few weeks and my husband keeps asking what we’re going to get him for his birthday. We already have a large tool bench waiting in the wings, and I’m searching for some used Thomas trains (his current obsession) … And I think that’s plenty! My husband, on the other hand, thinks we need more … Maybe a bike of some sort? Or Play-doh? Or some sort of electronic toy? He thinks our son will get “bored” if he only has a couple of things.

    I guess my husband comes by it honestly, though, because his family is all about quantity over quality (where my family is the opposite). As kids, I’m sure we both had a lot of toys, but I see the benefit in “less is more.” I don’t think it leads to boredom, rather, I think it forces kids to be creative and appreciate what they have!!

    The big gift issue (I think) will come when I request that our daughter (who is only six months old) receive no princess gear until she specifically asks for it. I don’t need her bombarded with all that “pink” and “pretty” automatically … But that is something for another day! 😉

  5. My sisters set ground rules about Christmas and birthday gifts for their kids pretty early for just this reason. At first I didn’t understand, but particularly when they’re young, it’s just so easy to go overboard buying them cute things…then multiply that by four sets of aunts and uncles, grandparents, and great-grandparents (not to mention untold numbers of friends), and you see how it adds up.

    Now, my sisters and I will often go in together on one really nice thing for our nieces and nephews, rather than lots of little things. I love the idea of museum or zoo memberships, too. I’m thinking about starting my own tradition of giving each of the kids a book for Christmas, to help them build their library as they grow… Hopefully a shelf full of books will be easier for their moms to manage than a room full of toys!

    As far as broaching it with your family, I think if you couch it in terms of needing their help to keep clutter down, or to help teach your kids about appreciating what they have (and not getting a serious case of the gimmes), they’ll understand. Good luck!

  6. Ugh! The stuff….the STUFF!!!!!! I desperately need to do some purging over here…thanks for the inspiration! I think it’s a tricky thing with the grandparents and gift giving. I know they SO love buying things for the kiddos. I was just having this discussion the other day with my sister. I think I am going to request things like a zoo or aquarium membership this holiday season…and then ask that just ONE gift be bought for each child.

  7. I already have anxiety about the ‘stuff’ we’ll be getting with W’s birthday and Christmas only a month apart. We live in a small space and we are also designers so the plastic and flashing lights is really tough for us to cope with. My family is very understanding but James isn’t as open with his, which means so so much stuff, dozens of little toys from one person and they all add up. We end up boxing and donating them but I do worry about the day when he actually knows what he has. The problem is that when we ask for just a book or puzzle from each person it’s perceived as snobby… lots of toys are cheap and presumably fun to give. They sure aren’t fun to live with though- sigh!

  8. Hi Lauren! I love keeping up with your family! The boys have grown so much. I don’t have a lot of input on this but I wanted to comment: Every year we have told our parents and brothers/sisters that they are allowed to only give 1 gift per family to each child for Christmas. It has taken a while, but it works! And this is the first time in 9 years that I threw a birthday party for Josephine and asked for no gifts and guess what? No one did. One person brought flowers. It was perfect and the kids don’t miss a thing.

  9. We are in the same boat. We love the thoughtfullness of friends and family, but with 4 kids we would like one of those hoarder homes if we didn’t purge 2-4 times per year. I have my most of the family trained. These are some of the basic rules.
    -If can’t be shipped in a flat rate box, don’t send it.
    -Stick to items that can be worn, read, or eaten.
    -Dollar store gifts are great. The kids can play with them and it isn’t a big deal when they get lost, broken, or mom throws them in the trashcan.
    -Think of one group gift for all 4 kids.
    -The baby doesn’t need anything.
    -If you want to “give” more, but some money in their college accounts or come for a visit.
    -Don’t buy a gift because you feel you have to.
    -If you want to get something but don’t know what, please ask.
    -A card and a lollipop or a dollar is a great gift.
    -Hand-me downs and re-gifts are fine.
    Things have gotten much better over the past few Christmases. The kids still have a special day with plenty of gifts, but it is not out of control. Birthdays aren’t usually too bad. We only give the kids 1-3 gifts. The kids haven’ t had big parties with lots of friends for a few years. When they do, we say no gifts. A couple of folks will still give one on the sly but it not a big deal. Instead, we will throw an annual house party for the all the kids’ friends and our friend. Beer and wine is always accepted at our house.

    Lauren, please have no fear. I promise it won’t clog your house. I can’t say the same for Ryan. You may still end up with a giant 5′ Zorb ball, just because we know it become the most annoying gift of the year! 🙂 I will touch base with you at Christmas time to check your need/wants or don’t wants for the boys.

    P.S. I have a little project in the works for you boys’ birthdays. Sorry for the delay, I will get it done sometime this year.

  10. I know a few people who in place of gifts for birthday parties have picked a certain charity to donate to and request that people make donations to that charity in honor of so and so’s birthday.

  11. I was just telling my husband the other day that we’re due for another toy purge. It’s a battle I feel like we’re always fighting. We must be doing OK since the last time my father visited, he remarked on how few toys we had. One thing that helps are regularly scheduled donation pick-ups from Purple Heart. Unclutterer.com posted this piece the other day which had some helpful tips on how to get gift clutter under control: http://unclutterer.com/2012/09/10/how-to-receive-gifts-when-youre-uncluttering/

  12. I love these suggestions, especially those involving experiences or consumable gifts, however I am torn because I also don’t want/need any gifts for the kids and yet feel compelled to GIVE to families with the same desires. So…sorry Lauren and Kristin for all the junk! In fact, this is a great opportunity to ask you two about exchanging at Christmas…one item per family? Thanks for the discussion Lauren!

  13. I’m South African and find the American “gift overload” during the holidays quite unnecessary. Our family Christmas tradition is to throw names in a hat and draw so that each person buys one gift for one member of the extended family, and nuclear families sort out their own method of gift giving. That way, you buy one thoughtful quality gift and receive one too. It works out quite well. On birthdays – it’s probably a cultural thing, but no one I can think of ever received more than one gift from their parents or from other people as kids. That also leads to one meaningful gift.

  14. I think you are great at choosing the right stuff to buy/request for your family! Your things are beautiful, functional, and can be used and loved for a long time.

    Have you considered putting some toys away in a box in the basement and bringing it out weeks or months later as a surprise or reward for the boys? It could renew their novelty if they’ve been out of sight for awhile, and you’d have less stuff out for Emil to get into.

    My family and my best friend are comfortable with being up-front about what we want for holidays. It all tends to be experiential or consumable–e-books, netflix subscriptions, gift cards to a restaurant, concert tickets, vacation money, local honey, dog bones for the pup, etc. That said, I know people love it when there is something tangible they can give, so if there is something I really need, I try to hold off on buying it and put it on a wishlist instead. My mom gets excited every time I wear my favorite j.crew coat, the one she bought me for xmas five years ago. Last year I gave my friends the fiestaware place settings they requested for their wedding and they say they think of me every time they get a bowl or plate out of their cabinet, which makes me feel close to them even though they’re eight hundred miles away.

    Did you read that book The Berenstain Bears Get the Gimmies? I thought it had a great message overall about stuff not being able to make you happy. The part that was weird was Mama and Papa Bear agreed in the end to let Brother and Sister pick out one toy or treat every time they went to the store, which still seemed like a lot to me. M&O both loved it though and seemed to very seriously want to avoid catching the gimmies. Another book with a similar message was Arthur’s TV Trouble, where he spent all his hard-earned money on a gizmo he saw on a commercial, only to be immediately disappointed by it. I think discussing consumerism and advertising with kids will help them from getting sucked in.

  15. Thank you everyone! What wonderful ideas!

    And yes, Elisa- so funny about the “Gimmies” book- I remember thinking the same thing when I read it to the boys! If we bought the boys one thing at every store, that would be ridiculous! The wishlist is a great idea as well.

    And Kristin– oh, boy. Electronics. A whole new ballgame since we don’t even own a TV! Perhaps that will at least buy us some time? And I do really like your gift-giving rules! 🙂

  16. I’ve loved reading these responses because it’s something that seriously stresses me out. My family is really good about respecting our wishes and trying to be in tune with our ways, but we aren’t as close with E’s family and his mom is one of those who loves to do it up on the holidays even if it means I’m receiving all sorts of little things I will never use. I’m dreading what that will mean when it comes to our children and have plans to try to steer them in the right direction without sounding rude or ungrateful, but it’s so tough. We’ve already planned to go with the four gift kind of rule for christmas (one thing you want, one thing you need, one thing you wear, one thing you read) to keep things simple and not overly gift-centered in our own home, but I fear the piles of plastic and battery operated junk and prefer our kids to have more open-ended, non-battery-operated toys and they only need a few, not entire rooms full. I also find it challenging because E’s brother and wife are the exact opposite when it comes to all of this and I think it’s harder to “train” the family to do things differently when they’re already used to doing things one way for the other grandchildren. We’ll see. I’m rambling, but I’m glad you brought this up because we’ll be having to deal with it soon and I need to strategize.

  17. I think about this kind of stuff all the time. We are so overloaded with toys, and it’s usually because someone was generous and thoughtful and wanted to do something nice for us. But after a while, the piles of stuff get to me.

    We regularly donate things. If we buy a cool birthday present or just a random present, we ask Julian to give something to Goodwill. Audrey doesn’t get a vote because she’s 2 and quite stingy with her things. I just rob her blind when she’s asleep.

    This is something I think smaller kids would have a hard time with, but for Julian’s 8th birthday, we had a good talk and decided that there was nothing he really needs. He has mountains of Legos, and had just gotten a pretty sweet haul from Christmas (his birthday is in January). So instead of gifts from his friends, he asked all of them to bring non-perishable foods to donate to a food bank. It was so awesome, because instead of just grabbing old cans of cranberry sauce from their cabinets, all of our guests brought really good stuff to donate.

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